I Don’t Owe You *%$?!

This blog is not an indictment on all men. This blog is not something that normally happens to me, matter of fact it has never happened. This blog is not the angry black woman’s response, but it is my very passionate response. This blog is long, VERY long.

Let me say, I started this blog at 1:47 am this morning after a very eventful evening. You all know this blog is about my misadventures as a single woman over 40 in Atlanta, and I think it is clear by now that this dating game has indeed changed. And let me offer this tidbit, if you are married reading this, halfway love your husband and can see yourself working that shit out…WORK. THAT. SHIT. OUT. Don’t come back out here in these dating streets, with everything I love, I am warning you.

It is a good thing i decided to go to bed and wait until I had some rest before I wrote this blog. I mean, I had warnings written for you because I was fuming. But now cooler heads prevail, so let me set this story up for you.

I went out last night, Friday night with my girlfriends, and after a very uneventful evening, we cut it short and I came home. But honestly I wasn’t feeling ending my evening just yet, and I was starving so I decided to head back out and find me something to eat.

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I went to a local eatery that is opened until 3:00 or 4:00 am, full kitchen and full bar, the only place I know of in metro Atlanta opened that late besides Krystal or Waffle House. The drinks are cheap, but potent, so I made my way to the patio because the temperature was perfect and the inside is always, always super smokey. I get to the patio and found a very small two-top and sat down.  There was a man alone to the right of me, couples and groups of people dispersed throughout the patio. One group was really loud, with an inebriated woman and some man trying to get her to drink water. My server finally comes to my table, she was quite “honky tonkish”, but very nice. I ordered my Ketel One chocolate martini and picked up my smart phone to see what was going on on Facebook and Snapchat. I really was enjoying being alone, chuckling from time to time as I heard the live band playing a slightly country version of “Little Red Corvette”, but just enjoying being out. I was not in the mood to talk to any strangers on this night, I wasn’t on the prowl. I really did not want company or to entertain conversation.

In walked three men, I didn’t even look up because I didn’t want to give anyone eye contact, because they could possible interpret that as permission to interrupt my solitude.

Well just damn.

You’ve probably figured it out, that didn’t work. So here I am, feeling obligated not to come off rude, because I know dudes really cannot take rejection well. As a woman, we have all experienced a rejection “clap-back” from men, and it can sometines be very threatening. It’s a damn shame women have been programmed to make sure we don’t come off the wrong way when it comes to men, making sure we don’t piss them off, as if we are responsible for their behavior. But I digress, back to the story. Now here is where it gets good. I had one of those “don’t come for me unless I send for you” moments.

The men sit down to the left of me while I’m drinking my chocolate martini. Immediately the man who is more front facing me says, “what are you drinking”. In my head I let out the biggest sigh, because as I already shared, I did not feel like being bothered on this night. I spoke to him, but I deliberately didn’t look at him so maybe, just maybe he wouldn’t feel confident enough, or awkward to continue the conversation. DAMMIT, it didn’t work. So I obliged him and had a small conversation, playing nice and smiling, talking about how I make my martinis. Fine. I can now get back to my smart phone and my uncomplicated night out, right?  I sensed he could maybe tell I wasn’t interested in talking, so the men started a conversation among themselves. The really funny part is they were deliberately talking at me so I could hear the conversation. The wing man was sitting to the back side of me, so I wasn’t able to see his face and I would have had to turn around just to acknowledge him. For some reason he felt the need to mention during their conversation to the man talking to me that he needed someone “like her“. I am thinking to myself “this guy can’t be serious”, but he got a course of amen’s from the other two. SIGH. So the conversation you could tell was being held so loudly they wanted me to hear; the initial guy wants me to know, I could just tell, he makes a lot of money now, he is not like he used to be, he is working now so his son doesn’t have to work, he takes care of his son, blah blah blah blah blah……blah blah blah.

All this time I’m in my phone, and they mention how I am in my phone not taking the opportunity to talk to folks or meet people. I guess they thought I was going to respond, but I kept on ignoring them. Finally, lord, my spinach dip arrives. But damn, I couldn’t even eat that in peace. Remember this was the only thing I’d eaten since lunch. I hear the man in front of me ask the middle man, “what kind of cheese is that she is eating”, and once he said he didn’t know, this was another opportunity to ask me “what type of cheese is that”. GIIIIIIIIIIIDAMN, all I want to do was eat in peace, is that too much to ask for? I looked at him clearly bothered, and told him “it’s spinach dip”.

It all goes down hill fast now.

He looks at me and says, “you look annoyed, am I annoying you?”. *CRICKETS*

Being the terribly honest person I am, and seeing how I really just wanted this all to end, I looked at him, I paused, turned my head and looked him square in his eyes and said “actually, yes you are”. As I sit here now, I can’t believe I said that (talk about living in your truth). But yes, I was annoyed, had been for the 20 minutes. But then it happened,”Mr. Wingman”, who really should have just stayed out of this conversation, says “you are just rude”.

IT. WAS. A. WRAP.

All I heard was “is it that deep”, “oh you going there?”, “just chill out”, “you’re out, you’re supposed to speak to people, that’s what you do”, and here is the one that set the next chain of events in motion, “that’s why you are here by yourself”. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY F%^#!BOY?

Y’all, I snapped, I literally snapped. I don’t think this blog will begin to describe to you the exchange that took place. I have never in my life done anything like this, but the lashing I gave that table was well-deserved. And let me tell you, I have never felt so empowered. I had the attention of everyone on that patio, and it was loud, really loud. Here I was all alone, defending myself and my right for personal space antd time, so in response to the unwarranted insult hurled at me by this complete stranger, I said: “I  came here alone because I wanted to; I didn’t ask you to come and sit beside me and force me into a conversation; clearly you don’t have any sense of discernment because had you, you would have known I didn’t want you bothering me. I was trying to be nice when you were flirting with me, and yes you were flirting, but no, you couldn’t catch a hint when I kept my head in my phone; I was trying not to be rude so I engaged you in conversation, but you insisted on forcing my attention. I am sitting here trying to enjoy my evening and enjoy my food, now my spinach dip is cold wasting time trying to explain to you. Shut up talking to me now. If you would just be quiet we could be done with this. Whew. I cursed…a lot. He was shocked that I responded that way, he was trying to get me to calm down, I told him I didn’t want to calm down, leave me alone, leave me the @^$*!? alone. Finally I looked him in his eyes again and told him “you’re so busy trying to diffuse this situation that could have been avoided had your boy shut his damn mouth, but while you’re sitting here trying to handle me, a complete stranger, you should instead check your boy for being so rude and insulting to me” He looked like a deer in headlights. I could say so much more, but the point I needed him and his cronies to know…

I don’t owe you shit.

This idea women are responsible for making sure men don’t feel threatened or challenged by rejection has got to stop. Do I look desperate? Who taught men they have the right to expect a response, a “hello”, a wink, smile or anything? I was told last night I should have been willing to be nice and talk to them, that was my purpose for going out. Actually sir, I went out alone on purpose, to eat. The only expectation was for me to sit there and pay for my drink and food.  I am not here to coax the male ego; I am not here to make sure he knows he still got it; I don’t owe my conversation or time simply because someone is attracted to me. I have a right to choose. Now don’t get me wrong, I welcome and love the attention of men, and I am the first to say I am the biggest flirt and enjoy a good conquest. But I draw the line when I am expected to accept unwelcome and unsolicited advances.

Oh, I forgot to mention, while this was going on, I heard in the background “Marla…Marla Pruitte, is that you?” Who in the world was there that I knew. Over walked saw my son’s ex “friend’s” mother and she came over to let me know she’d know my voice anywhere. Hell everyone on that patio knows my voice now.

Rejection is a mutha, but we all have to learn to accept it gracefully and not take it personally. Both men and women have to understand no one owes us anything, not one single thing. I am teaching my sons to be graceful and mindful, and trying to help them understand women aren’t simple conquests obligated to respond the way you want them to; every response should reflect character and respect.

As I look back over last night, I don’t regret one single thing. I know, there will be those PC folks reading this trying to tell me I could have handled it differently and I didn’t have to go off like that, and to that I say, yes I did, and I’d do it all over again.

The dating game has definitely changed.

Until next time,

Smooches sugas!

 

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Hit It From the Back!

Listen, can you believe this? I am actually involved in a “funny” conversation right now on Facebook about men willing to have sex with women who have stretch marks. I am not kidding, a photo of a woman with a pretty decent-sized (big) tummy with stretch marks was posted, and the question was asked whether men would hit it from the back only or be okay with seeing her stretch marks  (or some stupid shit like that). *crickets*

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First off, i can’t believe men and women over 35 years old are even having this discussion. As I sat there and read all the posts from the women and men, I literally was shaking my head off my neck…well not literally, but you get the point. I mean I get it a little, when I earned my stripe with my twins, I really didn’t like my body, but then I grew up!

Here I am, 44 years old, I know I am not hard on the eyes, and frankly I finally have a healthy body image; I own my feminine  prowess and sex appeal, and I’m quite apt in utilizing my feminine wiles if necessary, I’m just saying. But what in the entire H-E-L-L I look like giving a rat’s ass about the stretch marks on my stomach? I mean I earned these bad boys, I brought three “chirren” into this world, I even carried twins. And until you carry two over 6lb babies in your stomach, you can’t say shit to me about stretch marks! This has literally caused me to be befuddled in the middle of my work day, so you know me, I had to share and see what you all think.

I mean do you men really think we choose these marks that leave our stomachs looking like a brain? But the better question is, why as a grown man, who supposedly is mature, logical, intellectual, and understands what is really important in life, are you asking a question about whether another man would have sex with a woman with stretch marks?  When I see or hear a man pose these questions, even if he claims it isn’t what he thinks (he is lying otherwise he wouldn’t have asked it) it lets me know two things off the top: 1) This man has no depth and has the life skills and fortitude of a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy and 2) He has yet to evolve to see women other than tools to fulfill his lustful desires. Selfish, surface-ass children! I said it, I mean it, and I ain’t taking this shit back! Sisters, hear me and hear me well, you are a woman, you have the ability to change the world. WE are the most powerful beings on earth! We create life, give life, deliver the future through our wombs, we don’t have to allow men to determine if our bodies are suitable to them, hell they need to have a come-to-Jesus about their privilege for even being able to enter into our sacred places. Here is the kicker to it all, they then reduce and justify this type of rationale by saying “everyone has preferences, some men like them, some don’t”. Well if stretch marks are determining factors for whether you would date/court/be in a relationship/sleep with a woman, then this type of man really isn’t someone capable of “adulting” at all. Don’t let these asinine, immature grown ass men, incapable of high-level thinking penetrate your minds or bodies anymore; don’t even give them the idea they have anything to do with you getting chosen by them. Sisters, your bodies are sacred temples, never let anyone determine your worth based on your outer accoutrements. Shoot, if you got stretch marks, I challenge you to keep those lights on, because this ain’t got nothing to do with Teddy Pendergrass, and make that man kiss all on them and rub some Emu oil on them! Because baby, you’re still sexy, even with that brain on your stomach! 

I just be damn! I need me a Ketel One martini NOW! 😆

Now I know I promised this blog would never be about male bashing, and it isn’t and won’t be, but I just had to share my thoughts on this. Nah, I’m not mad, really I’m not; this was actually a light-hearted blog that was just very blunt and pointed. But if ya mad, get glad!

Until next time,

Smooches sugas

I wish I would!

As you all know, I talk about my misadventures of dating and what it’s like to be a “seasoned” woman over 40, single, and man-less. I mean don’t feel a way about any of that, I am enjoying my freedom, options, and my ability to exercise them any way I see fit. Nevertheless, the idea of a successful relationship doesn’t come with the simplified rules of days of old, you know: boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, girl is excited and tells all her girlfriends; boy calls girl, boy courts girl; boy and girl fall in love, boy meets girl’s family, boy gets down on one knee and proposes, boy and girl get married and live happily ever after, that was easy enough right?.

Well let me tell you, gone are the days of “making sense” (not even sure why I put that in quotes). I mean nothing makes sense to me anymore. In all honesty, I am not as fixated on gender roles anymore, I’m about halfway a feminist, and I don’t believe in waiting on a man to make the first move. As women we are empowered to go for what we want, including men. BUT with all that said, I am here to tell you, I am not about to play by these rules, and I blame it on these millennials and their mamas and daddies!  These young bucks got these old bucks out here in these streets acting crazy with these expectations. Honestly it isn’t the cubbies I have an issue with, it’s these  38 to over 40 year old grown people playing games, and I am going to tell you what, it has resulted in a bunch of lazy dating, standard-compromising, and cheapskate. Yeah, I said it.

There are so many blogs, articles, Facebook pages, and conversations about how hard it is to date in 2016, and I will admit, the landscape has definitely changed, there is no denying it. One of the main discussions I have seen and participated in as of late is the idea of women proving themselves worthy of dating men, and this includes everything from pre-dates before the first date to see if the man likes the woman enough to spend money on her, to proving a woman is “real” enough without her weave or eyelashes or waist trainer. It’s not just me. Women too have prerequisites and are playing just as many games as the men, with their serial dating and “meal planning”.

I have talked about this before in a previous blog, but it’s this concept that you ask a man/woman out for a “meet and greet” first to size them up, and then typically, the man will determine if she is worthy of his wallet. Yeah, for real, it’s happening just like that. However, the other day I was in a conversation that evolved into a conversation about who pays on the first date.

Let me explain. The conversation started as usual, someone asked the question about who should pay on the first date, and of course the consensus was it should be whomever initiates the date. That’s fair right, I can get down with that, I guess. Then the conversation took an interesting turn when more than one man expressed how they felt women should at least offer to pay for herself of the date, a date he asked her out on, even if he is prepared to pay. Now mind you, we aren’t talking about someone that is in a relationship where things are shared between the couple, no we are talking first dates here people. We have men saying that women should at least offer to pay for her half of the date on the first date to prove she isn’t selfish. What THEE entire hell is going on here?  You want me to prove something on the first date that you typically learn as you observe and listen and spend time with people? I am so not here for any of this!

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I WISH I WOULD  entertain the idea of having to prove my character to anyone on the first date; I wish I would be moved by a man expecting me to offer to pay for anything on a date he asked me on, and I wish I would feel like I am selfish just because I don’t offer. If you deem me selfish,a freeloader, or whatever, honey go right on head, knock yourself out!. But one thing I will not do, is prove anything to anyone that hasn’t earned a place in my in my sphere, let alone my purse. Listen, I am still old school, I want things to stay this way. Thankfully I haven’t attracted this type of man, but when you have these new jack dudes spouting this nonsense, I just have to share my thoughts on this. I simply think if you ask me out, you need to take me out, not expect for me to subsidize your budget. Listen, if you can’t afford something, don’t do it, or at least wait. Truth is, most women will understand, will think nothing of it, and will even offer something that is low cost or no cost. Ain’t no future in frontin’!

But a note to my younger sisters, when you start lowering your standards and compromising what feels right, you become a “pick me” type of woman, and that is not a good look. And brothers, you don’t want a woman that will do anything just to get picked, and allow you to be lazy and not exert any effort. Stop allowing others to determine if you are worthy, you are already worthy doggone it. Besides, a wise man once told me, a man will not work hard for anything he hasn’t invested in. Take that how you want to.

Now, I’ve gotten that off my chest.

Until next time,

Smooches sugas!

 

 

 

Ain’t That a Blip!

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That was Willona’s memorable line on Good Times back in 1975 when Walter told her he was deaf. I’ll never forget it, I swear Willona is me and I am Willona.

Well last night, after being asked out for drinks (and y’all already know how I feel about that approach – if not go read my other blogs posts) by a really nice man I met at a Meet Up last week, that is exactly what I said as I walked my big butt back to my car.

Why?

I’m glad you asked! Besides you already knew I was going to tell you, after all that is why I’m writing this blog.

I swear, this blog was intended to be positive only and chronicle my misadventures as a single woman in Atlanta, and honestly I have had a lot of fun. I swore off male-bashing on this blog, and I promised never to single a man out, specifically, you know, just talk about my experiences. Well bear with me, I’m about to go in just a teeny bit.

WHO IN THE HELL ASKS YOU OUT FOR DRINKS, to a very nice restaurant I might add, only to tell you he was about to go out and eat oysters with someone else? WAIT A MINUTE, aren’t we already in a restaurant? Like damn, you could have kept that to yourself. Am I the only one thinking that was extremely rude, or am I being hyper-sensitive because I am PMS’ing? I mean, there I was sitting there, enjoying two good martinis, enjoying the conversation for the most part (except when this knee-ga-roh leans in front of me to speak to the two very pretty single ladies sitting at the bar to my left, to make small talk –  in all fairness he was playing wingman, or so he says, for the man trying to holler at them) and hoping maybe we didn’t have to end the date or he would at least ask me “what are you getting into later”. Nah, none of that happened because Mr. Man had to go eat some oysters. If you could see and hear me now, you would hear my lips smacking!

Truthfully I believe he made these plans while we were sitting there. He picked up the phone two or three times and responded to text messages, and here I was trying to practice good social media control while out on this damn date.  I know the dating game has changed, but where they do all this? UGH

I mean he isn’t wrong necessarily for having other plans, but brother needs to get his game together. What a way to make me feel awkward. I know, I know, he didn’t owe me anything or an explanation, I just think it was rude and tacky, and I don’t do rude or tacky! And then the worst part of it all, I just think it is gentlemanly and right to check and make sure the lady gets home safely, and this joka didn’t even check to see if I was home, even after saying he would check on me. Wait, I lied, he did text me this morning to say “I guess you made it home safely…the oysters were delicious”.

AIN’T THAT A BLIP!

Until next time,

Smooches sugas