I Wish a Ninja Would!

It has been a minute guys, well a week and a half…or is it two, well whichever. But I saw this meme again tonight and I just had to write a blog about it. I have seen it more than once, and each time I chuckle on the inside. So look at the meme and tell me what you think.

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Let me tell you my answer…

HELL NO! 

Wait, does this mean I’m going to hell now for saying that? Well, let me go get me a fan and some water, because I wish a ninja would ask me to church for a first date. I know some of you all have cast me into the lake of fire.  Oh well.

First off, how am I going to get to know you, talk to you, look in your eyes, read your eyes, find out what you like if we are sitting up in a church with folks shouting, dancing, organ playing, preacher hollering and the choir turning up? Like, who does that? Going to church on a first date is about as bad as, if not worse than going to the movies for a first date. It just doesn’t make good sense.

Secondly, we all know people bring their representative when you first meet them, and going to church for me just seems like you are trying to impress me and show me you are super spiritual or love God, which doesn’t mean jack squat to me. The best way to show your moral compass, that you love God and yourself is by your actions. Besides, it is just not a sexy move to take me on a date to church, and it shows your lack of creativity or even careful thought, at least for me it does.  Listen, if you like church that much, by all means go, but I think your spirituality, your religion is a personal thing, and for me personally, I don’t require yours look like mine. So what does going to church prove? Help me out guys.  Especially if a lot of the same people going to church are doing “unholy” things anyway outside of the church. Hell, me and my old long-lost love used to get on our knees together, and he would lead us in prayer, and then we would hop our holy asses up off that floor and commence to a romp fest. Hey, I’m just keeping it real.

What do you all think, single ladies and men, would you go to church on a first date if you were asked? Would you even consider that a date? For real, respond in your comments and let me know. But as for me, naaah I’ll pass.

Smooches sugas!

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“We communicated without saying a word…you know it”

Let me say this, confidence goes a long way.  I know this; I also know my height is to my advantage, which alone can give an air of confidence, especially when I am wearing heels. Heels on an already tall woman make her very commanding and draws attention. On this night, I will say this, clearly someone thought I was a “boss”. But first, let’s back this story up…

AND THE AWARD GOES TO…

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Here is the backdrop. I am part of a social group on FB, I joined specifically to network and meet friends. Being new to Atlanta, I literally have no crew so, this group has been a source of companionship for me, if you will and introduced me to some really great places here. But it’s mainly for my entertainment. The group is very active, and very talkative and at the end of the year last year, someone had the great idea to have group superlatives, you know, like in high school. So Thursday was the award night. I was nominated for “Best Smile” and I won, go figure, not me, not my smile *sarcasm*. Now don’t make a big deal, it’s almost 8000 people in the group, but only a total of about 35 people voted…so I won by one vote. But hey a win is a win right?

Well I get to the venue, and it’s a place I’ve been too before and I actually love it, so I was comfortable with venturing out that night. But honestly, I am shy when I go out, people think I’m lying, but I get a bit of anxiety every time I go somewhere alone. Isn’t that strange, because I actually prefer going out alone.  I mean, I eventually warm up, but it’s just the idea of walking into a room and everyone staring you down, trying to size you up, and nobody comes over and greets you in a public setting. But this night I was particularly anxious, I have no clue why. I get there, I am looking half-way cute, and I walk in and meet a gentleman from the group I’ve been dying to meet forever. But in the corner of my eye, I felt someone watching me, so I turned around and the most handsome man was staring me down, literally. Like, he didn’t even wince, or deflect his attention when he saw I saw him watching me. I didn’t want to be rude to my friend, whose conversation and company I was really enjoying, but this man kept looking at me.  Long story short, my friend leaves and I was disappointed, so I go to the bar and get me…you guessed it, a martini with Ketel One. And let me just say, BQE is the most consistent of all bars I’ve every been to when it comes to my drinks, I swear, the martini was absolutely perfect. The perfect mix of Ketel One, Triple Sec and real lemon juice and sugar. It was dee-li-cious. I digress. So the guy was now up off the couch and at the bar getting another drink as well, he looks me dead in the eye and moves his mouth and asks me to join him with my drink at the couch. Shiiiiiiiii-id, was I going to say no? HAYLE NAW. Did you see this man (well okay I know you didn’t see him, but if you could you would just melt). I was kind of happy he invited me over, realizing, dang, I don’t want to seem like a player because I REALLY like my friend that left me sitting there to go home, but I figured I may as well occupy my time until I got my little trophy. I’m going to call him Salt and Pepper. Y’all THIS man, if I had a face for the man on my vision board, like TV hot, this man would be it.

So I sit down, and he looks at me from under the brim of his hat and said to me “I was watching you, we communicated without saying a word, you know it“. HOT DAMN…I was like “this man is smooth”, then I realized he was thinking the same thing I was. I knew before I left I was going to be in this man’s face some way. We commenced to talking, his friend later comes in, and we had a fun time for a few more minutes. It was a good night. I never try to be presumptuous, hell this is Atlanta, there are beautiful women a dime a dozen, and the same for men, so I was not about to ask for his number or hint to ask for mine. But I was excited when he indicated he wanted to keep in touch and he wanted to add me on Facebook. *Screech* I don’t add men I am remotely attracted to on Facebook, unless of course that is where we met. But I broke my rule and added him, but I restricted his access to my page immediately. Before he left he asked if I would like to maybe go out soon to get coffee (or something like that, I was just excited as hell he asked to see me again) and of course, I said yes, trying not to sound that excited. He gave me his card (who does that though, unless of course he wanted me to have his cell number) and I put it safely away in my purse.

I got my award and decided to head home by 10:00 pm, and by the time I got to my car, he had accepted my friend request that he requested I send. 🙂

So you wanna know if I’ve heard from him don’t you? 🙂 Stay tuned.

Smooches sugas!

 

 

“You like white chocolate or dark chocolate?”

So yeah, I mean what is it with my neighborhood Kroger and white men hitting on me? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have an issue with white men, and hey, I’ll go out with any many that is presentable, respectable and EMPLOYED, but why do I seem to get hit on by the seediest of men, I mean like, old man, “Chester the Molester” type of dudes. I mean damn, I’ve considered being a kept woman (ie sugar daddy status) but dang, can I get some “qualified leads” please.

This isn’t a long post, but when I pull up to the customer service counter at Kroger to purchase my items, I just want to stand in line, wait my turn and get my stuff and leave. But this dude here.

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I don’t know his name and I don’t want to know his name.  But I mean, I didn’t get in the store good and in line at customer service before John Doe says “you are beautiful” and the black gentleman in front of him said “you beat me to it, I was about to say the same thing”. Ummmm, thanks? But I couldn’t say thank you beause the next thing I heard was “You like white chocolate or dark chocolate”, as he motioned to the black guy.

It’s bad enough I don’t like idle chit chat with people, but you can’t be rude so I engaged him so he didn’t become rude because I gave him the cold shoulder. But all this meant was I gave him the okay to have a full on conversation. UGH Come to find out from the customer service rep was that John Doe comes in all the time hitting on everybody, and is looking for a home to lay his head. Well listen here, there is no room at MY inn.

I’ve decided to drive an extra mile just to go to Publix from now on.

 

Strategic Planning

Well HOT DAMN! That’s all I am going to say. I mean I could wax poetic about what I am thinking right now after receiving this inbox on Facebook, but I won’t.

This is what I started my morning with, but I am not saying anymore, just comment and tell me what you think? I mean I literally don’t know what to say or think about THIS here! Well, that’s a lie, that last paragraph about my blog being therapeutic (well he didn’t say that but that is what he meant) is something that gave me pause.

Ahhh my life just keeps getting more interesting by the day.

*I blurred out the name and face to protect the innocent! 

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Power of Consent

Hey friends! I thought I’d come share some of the thoughts on my mind. No, I don’t have a story today, but I am sure I will soon.

Today I am just getting something off my chest as I process a relationship that has ended and the pain associated with it. So first let me say, I am single, but the truth of the matter, I have been in a “situation” for the past 13 months that honestly was the most unproductive use of my singleness. DAMN when I think about it, I’m mad at myself. I was told that most times we break our own hearts with our own expectations of other folks, and if that is the case, I must be sick and twisted.

Truth is I can’t be mad at anyone but myself. We were actually more off than on, and frankly it wasn’t even a relationship. He was long distance and we never lived in the same city. He lives in Ft. Washington, MD (Wash, DC), and I lived in TN, now Atlanta. So that alone was hard. Then he traveled like 85% of the last 13 months.  I used to say all the time we had a “phoneship” not a relationship.  Question is why did I settle for that shit? What the %$!* was wrong with me?  It really could have worked, we planned for the future together, shit, he even told me he was going to marry me. Neither one of us had been married so it was perfect right? But you know what, people make things work if they value them.

It took me forever to realize you cannot date someone broken without you eventually becoming broken too.  But in all fairness, maybe my brokenness I hadn’t addressed attracted this relationship to my life. Here is the truth: I CONSENTED TO HIS MISTREATMENT OF ME. Clearly I was/am dealing with some insecurity issues that I wasn’t addressing and it became clear when I felt sad and hurt more than I felt loved and valued. Can I be honest, I placed this warped sense of value on him, I was more worried about someone else having him,I was holding on to something I knew wasn’t good for me. But I thank God I am not all the way cray cray, because I knew better, I’ve lived better.  Shit, whoever gets that next…God bless her. So I got rid of the source of my unhappiness. I withdrew my CONSENT.  I no longer consented to disrespect, I no longer consented to mistreatment, I no longer consented to all talk and no actions. I no longer consented to phones calls never being returned. I deserved more, I am worth more.

Ah, the life of a single woman over 40, seeking, desiring, wanting real love. All day yesterday I was singing “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton It popped in my head out of the blue, so random, but it just made me melancholy.

I hurt.

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am deserving.

I am strong.

I am worthy.

I am happy. Finally.

Hold on, I’m good now, don’t feel sorry for me, every experience is a TEACHER. I am enjoying being back on the market and loving myself completely now. Life is GRAND. Please share, but don’t become Iyanla on me today. I don’t need no damn love coach!

BUT WAIT, as I was finishing this blog, two things happened. Les just called me again AND I literally just got a message from my very first true love – for real!  How uncanny is that! I am sure I will have something to share on that soon!

All I could do is hold it anyway…

Listen, y’all may as well get ready for long blog posts, especially when I am recollecting something that actually happened to me.

On this particular day I had been home all day and I left to get my twins from school. They called knowing I was home and they didn’t want to ride the bus home from school. I obliged them because I needed to run to the grocery store anyway. I was in my workout gear – as an aside, if I could, I’d wear compression pants and tennis shoes every single day. Normally when I work out I still wear concealer or something, because these raccoon eyes of mine will scare the shit out of you. But on today I literally said forget all that, and I left the house. So I go get the kids and head to the Kroger around the corner; I left them in the car because I was only running in to get some things for dinner.

Single people, don’t you always hear “you’re likely to meet someone when you’re least expecting, like at the grocery store”.  Well on this particular day, I met someone alright.

This is a story of an unlikely pimp daddy…an OLD ass, crinkled up, pot-bellied (well his lower belly), slick, white pimp daddy we are going to call Les. Hell, that’s his name, Les. In all fairness Les isn’t a pimp, at least I don’t think so, and I like the idea I can pick up men in the grocery story, but this…

I was minding my own business, again, trying to grab a few things for dinner, and was in a hurry because the twins were in the car (don’t worry they are teenagers). I went in for some basics and to find me some chicken salad in the deli made with their rotisserie chicken, that stuff is the business! Anyway, while over there, I was almost side-swiped by this sister in one of those motorized shopping carts because she wasn’t looking directly ahead of her, not to mention she wasn’t handicapped. I mean I didn’t see a boot on her foot, no kind of brace on her legs, nothing. I know that doesn’t mean she wasn’t physically impaired, I’m just saying. I was so angry because she was one second from rolling over my foot and knocking me down and she didn’t even have the courtesy to say “excuse me” or “I’m sorry”. I gave her a death stare and her fat butt just kept rolling.MotorCart

So I continue with my shopping. As I was getting ready to leave, I had to run over to the very last aisle to get some shredded cheese. And what do you know, here comes another scooter about to run me down, and again the person wasn’t looking to see if someone else was coming.  But this time, it was Les. Les better be glad, because as he looked up and I realized he was a decrepit old man, so I had a little more patience with him. I looked at him and gave him a half smile and said “it’s okay, you’re good, you missed me”. What the hell I say that for? What the hell I say anything for?  Les looks at me with his crooked grin and says something pretty inaudible to me, and because I was walking away, I really hadn’t given him a second thought. When he realized I didn’t hear him, he spoke a little louder and said “you sure are beautiful”. I asked myself “self, did you just hear what you think you just heard”?  So I turned around and Les had made a u-turn and was headed up to me. Wait, whet? I knew he mumbled something, but I wasn’t sure, because hell, he looked like he was breathing about three puffs a minute as it was. He slithered up to me in that damn scooter and said “did you hear me (pause) you’re stunning”. Yep, I was certain then, Les was an old school pimp! But Les just wasn’t the type of sugar daddy I had in mind. I mean I was thinking more along the lines of The Ritz or St. Regis if I were trying to scope sugar daddies in Atlanta. I’m just keeping it, as they used to say, “one hundred”.

Next thing I heard was “you’re stunning, can you speak Spanish”? Now I’m like WHAT THE ENTIRE ^$%@!* Do I look like I am Mexican or any type of Hispanic for you to ask me that?  Well let me make this short, I stood there and played nice with old mack-because he was actually very interesting. He told me he asked the question because he was looking to hire someone for his company. Ole Les owned an insurance company that he touted was listed as one of the top insurance providers in the country, he owned a company that provided dental insurance. He asked me what I did, and we had a very interesting conversation actually. I became more interested because maybe he really was looking to hire someone. But hell, all I kept thinking to myself was if Les hired me to do any kind of work for him, it wouldn’t be the administrative kind, and if he thinks he finna be my sugar daddy, looking at his age and condition, first off, I don’t get down like that, and secondly, all I could do is hold it anyway!

Finally the conversation had to end because I realized my kids were still in the car, and by this time I had been in the store over 20 minutes! But Les was smooth as butter. He asked me if he could keep in touch with me, and I almost threw up in my mouth. I didn’t want to appear rude so I said “sure”, I mean that pressure was a mutha! I began writing my phone number and I was like “hold the hell up, why am I giving him the right number”?  So I wrote as illegibly as I possibly could, figuring his old ass couldn’t figure out what the numbers were, and since I wrote it on a sales paper, I figured he would lose it anyway. I did try to get out of it by asking if he had an email and I would contact him that way, but he told me he doesn’t do that stuff. Geesh. I tell Les goodbye (more like good riddance) and once again, he whips that damn scooter around and says “I have your number we really should do lunch”.  LUNCH…LUNCH!?  Was this mofo for real? Pimp daddy wasn’t giving up at all. He repeated how stunning I was and let me know he would contact me soon. Normally it does the ego good when you can pick someone up on one of your worst days, but just damn, Les?

Well it’s been over four weeks and I never heard from Les.

Until TODAY. I wasn’t even thinking about this situation until I got that call. LES WAS ABLE TO MAKE OUT MY PHONE NUMBER AND HE CALLED ME!  I saw the call come in, it woke me up but I didn’t recognize the number or name, so I let it roll over to voicemail. Ole Les had been out of the country and wanted me to call him back today, he said right away. What did he want, to tell me Happy New Year?  I mean what could be so urgent? I’m sorry Les, I’m just not down with Geritol flavored swirl.

On second thought, I do have some bills I need paid.

Nah, I’ll pass.

It has to get better than this! I need a martini after all of this. Where is my Ketel One? 🙂

Smooches sugas!