Listen, y’all may as well get ready for long blog posts, especially when I am recollecting something that actually happened to me.
On this particular day I had been home all day and I left to get my twins from school. They called knowing I was home and they didn’t want to ride the bus home from school. I obliged them because I needed to run to the grocery store anyway. I was in my workout gear – as an aside, if I could, I’d wear compression pants and tennis shoes every single day. Normally when I work out I still wear concealer or something, because these raccoon eyes of mine will scare the shit out of you. But on today I literally said forget all that, and I left the house. So I go get the kids and head to the Kroger around the corner; I left them in the car because I was only running in to get some things for dinner.
Single people, don’t you always hear “you’re likely to meet someone when you’re least expecting, like at the grocery store”. Well on this particular day, I met someone alright.
This is a story of an unlikely pimp daddy…an OLD ass, crinkled up, pot-bellied (well his lower belly), slick, white pimp daddy we are going to call Les. Hell, that’s his name, Les. In all fairness Les isn’t a pimp, at least I don’t think so, and I like the idea I can pick up men in the grocery story, but this…
I was minding my own business, again, trying to grab a few things for dinner, and was in a hurry because the twins were in the car (don’t worry they are teenagers). I went in for some basics and to find me some chicken salad in the deli made with their rotisserie chicken, that stuff is the business! Anyway, while over there, I was almost side-swiped by this sister in one of those motorized shopping carts because she wasn’t looking directly ahead of her, not to mention she wasn’t handicapped. I mean I didn’t see a boot on her foot, no kind of brace on her legs, nothing. I know that doesn’t mean she wasn’t physically impaired, I’m just saying. I was so angry because she was one second from rolling over my foot and knocking me down and she didn’t even have the courtesy to say “excuse me” or “I’m sorry”. I gave her a death stare and her fat butt just kept rolling.
So I continue with my shopping. As I was getting ready to leave, I had to run over to the very last aisle to get some shredded cheese. And what do you know, here comes another scooter about to run me down, and again the person wasn’t looking to see if someone else was coming. But this time, it was Les. Les better be glad, because as he looked up and I realized he was a decrepit old man, so I had a little more patience with him. I looked at him and gave him a half smile and said “it’s okay, you’re good, you missed me”. What the hell I say that for? What the hell I say anything for? Les looks at me with his crooked grin and says something pretty inaudible to me, and because I was walking away, I really hadn’t given him a second thought. When he realized I didn’t hear him, he spoke a little louder and said “you sure are beautiful”. I asked myself “self, did you just hear what you think you just heard”? So I turned around and Les had made a u-turn and was headed up to me. Wait, whet? I knew he mumbled something, but I wasn’t sure, because hell, he looked like he was breathing about three puffs a minute as it was. He slithered up to me in that damn scooter and said “did you hear me (pause) you’re stunning”. Yep, I was certain then, Les was an old school pimp! But Les just wasn’t the type of sugar daddy I had in mind. I mean I was thinking more along the lines of The Ritz or St. Regis if I were trying to scope sugar daddies in Atlanta. I’m just keeping it, as they used to say, “one hundred”.
Next thing I heard was “you’re stunning, can you speak Spanish”? Now I’m like WHAT THE ENTIRE ^$%@!* Do I look like I am Mexican or any type of Hispanic for you to ask me that? Well let me make this short, I stood there and played nice with old mack-because he was actually very interesting. He told me he asked the question because he was looking to hire someone for his company. Ole Les owned an insurance company that he touted was listed as one of the top insurance providers in the country, he owned a company that provided dental insurance. He asked me what I did, and we had a very interesting conversation actually. I became more interested because maybe he really was looking to hire someone. But hell, all I kept thinking to myself was if Les hired me to do any kind of work for him, it wouldn’t be the administrative kind, and if he thinks he finna be my sugar daddy, looking at his age and condition, first off, I don’t get down like that, and secondly, all I could do is hold it anyway!
Finally the conversation had to end because I realized my kids were still in the car, and by this time I had been in the store over 20 minutes! But Les was smooth as butter. He asked me if he could keep in touch with me, and I almost threw up in my mouth. I didn’t want to appear rude so I said “sure”, I mean that pressure was a mutha! I began writing my phone number and I was like “hold the hell up, why am I giving him the right number”? So I wrote as illegibly as I possibly could, figuring his old ass couldn’t figure out what the numbers were, and since I wrote it on a sales paper, I figured he would lose it anyway. I did try to get out of it by asking if he had an email and I would contact him that way, but he told me he doesn’t do that stuff. Geesh. I tell Les goodbye (more like good riddance) and once again, he whips that damn scooter around and says “I have your number we really should do lunch”. LUNCH…LUNCH!? Was this mofo for real? Pimp daddy wasn’t giving up at all. He repeated how stunning I was and let me know he would contact me soon. Normally it does the ego good when you can pick someone up on one of your worst days, but just damn, Les?
Well it’s been over four weeks and I never heard from Les.
Until TODAY. I wasn’t even thinking about this situation until I got that call. LES WAS ABLE TO MAKE OUT MY PHONE NUMBER AND HE CALLED ME! I saw the call come in, it woke me up but I didn’t recognize the number or name, so I let it roll over to voicemail. Ole Les had been out of the country and wanted me to call him back today, he said right away. What did he want, to tell me Happy New Year? I mean what could be so urgent? I’m sorry Les, I’m just not down with Geritol flavored swirl.
On second thought, I do have some bills I need paid.
Nah, I’ll pass.
It has to get better than this! I need a martini after all of this. Where is my Ketel One? 🙂